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Long Distance Odds

ArchieDear Archie and Angela:

I’m a 61 year old, robust and active Male who has enjoyed, (and suffered at times), several marriages of reasonable length, and all the Women in my life through loving and sensual relationships, plus some v. short hellos and goodbyes!

But my most intense, hot, spiritually deep and difficult relationship for a number of years is still “on”….. (I think) … but at a great distance. She moved away to start a new life. My Lover demanded early on that we transition from our “committed” understanding to a completely voluntary one of connection and with nothing offered, demanded, wished for, or spoken of in terms of any future state of being together or other expectations of “next steps”. This has hurt me for years.

This is the annual Valentine’s Day season and we will not be together again this year. We’ve only seen each other three times since she’s moved and in reality, left me.

My question for you two has to do with the deepest, straightest and purest Romantic presence of Love. My Lover, increasingly, has periods, usually on weekends, when she is both uncommunicative and non-responsive to my IM’s.

Perhaps I am being foolishly blind and at the worst, self-delusional in thinking that Love is demonstrated by hope, trusting and being trustworthy, patience, steadfast and forgiving, among all the other higher virtues. Am I missing something obvious here? Love and Long Distance sucks. What’s the Las Vegas odds here for a happy ending? Or Not!?

An Athabascan Nobleman
____________________

ARCHIE:

Dear Athabascan Nobleman (AKA AN or Athabascan):
 
There are a lot of Long Distance Relationships (LDR’s) out there nowadays, due to career changes, job transfers, moves driven by family or pressing circumstances……even those “created” by on-line dating site dice rolls!  But what you have experienced doesn’t sound like any of these common reasons.  And your rather passionate but restrained question put to Angela and myself, mostly looks like you and your paramour are, or at least have been, on two different pages of the LDR Valentine’s Book for 2012!  I’m going to enjoy reading and perhaps responding to Angela’s answer to you, AN.
 
For a LDR to work, however frustrating and tenuous at times, the Male and the Female have to be in agreement on some desirable, future state …. which is being together is some form.  Using media substitutes is pretty inadequate for: doing things together, keeping emotionally bonded by sharing thoughts, surprises, smiles, having great sex and supporting each other in the vicissitudes of life experiences, and has no equal in emailing, talking on the phone, and IMing, etc.  I’m surprised you still have a connection, however open and strong after several years of experiencing the desert.
 
The keys to weathering the LDR then, Athabascan, have to do with a Powerful Physical, Mental and Spiritual Attraction and hot intimate memories, Trusting each other, Communicating often and at length, and Being Together as much as you can.  But all these sustaining and endurable factors are subsets to being Clear on a shared, exciting Future.  If each of the parties have divergent ideas about that Future, I wouldn’t bet on your relationship longevity no matter what odds ‘Vegas gives you!
 
In closing, Athabascan, I think You need to be asked a question …….. the answer to which I’ll never know …. Although you are a true-blue Romantic, could it be your “funny” Valentine really only wants to “date” you once in a while, if it’s convenient for her?  And that no matter how expensive it is to see her more often, She really just wants to be unattached ……. free ……….. without you close by or ever being together?  Archie thinks you should check that out!
 
Archie feels deeply about your hoping, hurting and honestly wanting to Love your Valentine, AN.  However, is periodical dating enough to hold You?  Is this an emotional straight jacket?  If you and your prized paramour cannot agree on some way to be together, why don’t you exercise the same freedom to be You that she has already claimed for herself, some years ago?  There are no easy answers, Athabascan.  But be patient, and in good will retain your Romantic qualities.  Love is still worth experiencing and is quite precious when truly in-depth.  And know this: True Love does not come our way often in a lifetime.
 
Signed,
 
Archie (Who knows too well: We All share LDR stressors even when the distance is minimal!)

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