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Long Distance Odds

AngelaDear Archie and Angela:

I’m a 61 year old, robust and active Male who has enjoyed, (and suffered at times), several marriages of reasonable length, and all the Women in my life through loving and sensual relationships, plus some v. short hellos and goodbyes!

But my most intense, hot, spiritually deep and difficult relationship for a number of years is still “on”….. (I think) … but at a great distance. She moved away to start a new life. My Lover demanded early on that we transition from our “committed” understanding to a completely voluntary one of connection and with nothing offered, demanded, wished for, or spoken of in terms of any future state of being together or other expectations of “next steps”. This has hurt me for years.

This is the annual Valentine’s Day season and we will not be together again this year. We’ve only seen each other three times since she’s moved and in reality, left me.

My question for you two has to do with the deepest, straightest and purest Romantic presence of Love. My Lover, increasingly, has periods, usually on weekends, when she is both uncommunicative and non-responsive to my IM’s.

Perhaps I am being foolishly blind and at the worst, self-delusional in thinking that Love is demonstrated by hope, trusting and being trustworthy, patience, steadfast and forgiving, among all the other higher virtues. Am I missing something obvious here? Love and Long Distance sucks. What’s the Las Vegas odds here for a happy ending? Or Not!?

An Athabascan Nobleman


Dear Nobleman,

The only constant is change.  People are in a constant process of evolution or devolution.  Even those who try to keep things the same will experience change as the world changes around them.

I am a believer that except for short term common goals (raising children, getting a higher education, desiring companionship in our later years) that it is very rare indeed that two people will evolve at the same rate and in the same direction over the long haul.  How many married couples look at each other after the last child has left the nest and say, “Who the heck are you??!”

And aren’t ALL relationships (in the free world) voluntary, ultimately?  Even marriages?

It sounds like your Lover is an open-minded, free spirit.  No wonder you love this elusive creature ;o) !

Without knowing her reason for moving (was there a health issue, job loss, home loss, change in family situation?), I cannot advise you as to her motives.  Did she just announce one day, “Zippity do da! I’m packing up and leaving everything I know to start a brand new life because I just feel like it!”?  Life is often more complex.

It seems you are familiar with change – having experienced several marriages and many relationships.  How have you handled change in your life?

You speak of your long distant relationship as “sucking”, and your letter to us is fraught with hurt (… this has hurt me), resentment (she demanded), rejection ( she(sic) left me), suspicion (on weekends … uncommunicative), and righteousness (I suspect Nobleman is a descriptor of how you see yourself and not an economic indication of lands and titles).  So despite your mention of “higher virtues” and desire to know Las Vegas odds, it seems on a deeply emotional level You are not well in this relationship.  Quote, “Am I missing something obvious here?” … it might be your own emotional state.

Are you foolish and self-delusional in thinking Love is demonstrated by higher virtues?  Never.

Do you still have a spark, a connection when you do talk, IM, come together?  Is it enough for you?

Ultimately, you need to do what is right for You. 


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