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Stop! Do Not Pass Go

ArchieDear Archie and Angela:

On a first time internet date, I encountered an interesting situation. We met at a upscale restaurant to a glass of wine which turned into two glasses. Conversation and everything seemed to be going well. Then after a hour or so, he asked me if I wanted to stay and have dinner with him. I said yes and enjoyed a wonderful dinner. Great food and conversation. After dinner he cordially walked me to my car. We were talking and laughing as we walked through the parking lot. We got to my car and he sighed and I thought it was going to be time for the goodnight kiss. But instead he said “so, with a big sigh, do you have any STDs? ” I almost died. I didn’t know what to say except I made a joke about it, but he came back with a definite serious statement. My question is why would a man ever ruin a perfectly good date by making a statement like that?

Signed, Mystified


Dear Mystified:
Thank you for this very relevant (and somewhat humorous), question!
Archie understands perfectly what a shock your new Male friend’s inquiry was, as to your having STD’s, just when you were ending a great time together and a goodnight kiss would have been warmly received by you! (the Party of the 2nd part).
Our readers/viewers without a doubt are scratching their heads (or something with which their thinking function rests upon), about this Male’s base bombardment blasted out even with the best of intentions! Can we all be bemused or bemoan this rank canard? Can we all pass this off to the soggy cliche’ of “bad timing”? “Maybe, Maybe not”! … as Rober Fulghum once wrote.
I think our suddenly serious Lochinvar, was conscientiously practicing his ABC’s! Egad ………… Give the lad some wiggle room here. (OK, he’s 58 and doesn’t have to wear glasses yet to read a menu). Archie believes that since you and he had such a good and lengthy time at the bar/restaurant, that your Male friend was simply reciting the ABC lesson that was drummed into him by health and dating magazines, net research and group learning time for Male warrior-drumming groups (plus some real-life stories from some buddies which are really taken seriously).
What did your instant “date” learn that we call the ABC’s? “Always Be Careful” …………. Yes, he was trying to be responsible in case a kiss was not, “just a kiss” from you in the parking lot and one thing led to another more lubricious invitation (sigh). This guy probably earned his Eagle Scout badges at 14! But! …………
Dear Mystified, Why would a guy say this in the circumstances you’ve described? Men, need to single mindedly solve problems in this age group, step by step! Timing screwed up? Yep! But you could’ve applauded this hapless Male’s timing, but rewarded his concern for safe sex, (maybe to be enacted in several months or literally minutes), by Thanking him for his inquiry and asking him to declare first ……….. but at a future time …… perhaps …….. and in another setting. (That’s no promissory note, but a balloon of possibility floated  : )  ).
I’m sure Angela in her response will haul out demographic stats to show how great the increase is in STD’s contracted in this Baby Boomer and older age groups dating right now. However, give us Males a break for reciting our ABC’s! Yes, we can also gain some of you and your Sisters’ emotional awareness and intelligence about …….. What’s really going on? …….. in a relationship, however new it is.
So, Mystified, forgiveness rather than outrage is called upon here. After all, you are very attractive and were a good “date” for this Male to the degree that he was thinking ahead and didn’t want to lose his head if things heated up too quickly. We don’t always multi-task too well when we’re around a totally Female person, with all her allure wrapping her sweetness around us.

Forgive, O Mystified, but give him a call! Doesn’t he get two (2) more strikes?
Signed, Archie (who has trouble remembering what comes next after I hit “A” then “B” ……….. )


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