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Hot Sex Gone

ArchieDear Archie and Angela:

My question is about dealing with the emotional fall out from just getting out of a live-in relationship and the sudden absence of sex and intimacy.
I’m a sixty-three year old male, and successful business owner, that was going through a divorce after a long term marriage soured when I was pursued by a forty-five year old woman who soon moved in with me. She worked at the apartment complex where I had moved to during my divorce and so I know I was easily infatuated. I have given her every benefit of entertainment and culture and my material gifting.
But my question is about handling the loss now, of comforting rituals and hot sex I have been used to for the last 2&1/2 years with my younger lover. We have seen each other off and on since and she is a bundle of needs, and I’m not giving in to her requirement that we get married before the sex continues. She has loads of health and stability issues that I just don’t want to become legally responsible for, as part of her package. She’s changed jobs about 6 times in just the time we were together. I think I’m coming into my own so to speak. I am active at a racquet club and need to focus on my business more.
I’ve just joined a dating website that a persistent friend recommended, but I am having problems making that first coffee or iced tea meet-up date with a woman. This transition is emotionally hard on me. I seem to lack resolve and even courage. How can you two help me by your advice?
Nashville, Tennessee


Dear Tim:
Welcome to Heartache Hotel, Guy! Archie knows this maze of rooms, staircases and halls leading to ……well? Probably just a labyrinthian transition…….only worse than H. Potter and the erstwhile young wizards’ experienced…….seeking the Goblet.
So what’s Your goblet, oh seeker of peace, harmony and just a small bit of solace, like 20 hours out of a day!? And I’m talking your intimacy and sex here. I think you may be needing this transition period to sort out once again: Who Am I? (I like…..Who must I think I am? better); What qualities and emotional,(arrrrg, but have to use it….intelligence and relationship knowledge), capacity do I Really bring, to the dating “Speed Table” for this on-line dating stuff?

It appears that you’ve completed the universal Stage 1 by your questions’ testimonial: That is……the accumulated negatives that your recent lover shows you and your dissatisfaction with not only the status quo, but moving and kicking to the “Trojan Women” bargaining…..uhhhhh…….”Chip”………….Marriage for Sex……that She demands, has prepared you for a tipping point decision.
Stage II however is still rough. You both communicate. She wants to reconcile and puts out reasons so you will hand her your “Swinging Swword” on bended knee for just the resumption of ready nirvana! Oh, my good man! Bear up! Tie yourself to the mast as your ship sails through the whirlpools that will draw you onto her rocky shoals………..Anyway……Comprende’ Usted, Dude?
State III that you’ve embarked upon, sounds like you are the fledgling tyro, urged unmercifully by one of your “friends” to join an on-line dating site. And so you have! It’s the, (knees trembling), Brave New World syndrome. You feel vulnerable and flopping around some on dry land. This is all Good! (don’t you just love that cheerful mantra). You are stretching.
Finally, you are about to actually, (gulp), meet a mature Woman and begin again( and again and again, ad infinitum) also………(you read this correctly), to learn about this other species…….their “signs”, gestures, looks, new variations on “Male Management”, and, just so down to earth-like, that we all pull our sweat pants on one leg at a time……….(Hold it! Where did That come from?)……Anyway, you are making arrangements for the great over-50’s singles, Meet-Up. But that’s another topic.
So Tim! You’ve made progress…..demonstrated by your own testimony through this question you’ve put to Angela and myself.

My advice is to see it as a rich time of learning: Self-learning, and get some books, join a discussion group, a Meet-Up group or two, and most of all………..Don’t try to substitute some new “date-to-be” so she’ll fit in the “slot” that your ex-lover occupied.

Work out in the Gym! Stretch your mind and spirit at the same time in learning about Self and Other.
Good Luck, Tim. Give us some feedback in a month or three about how you’re doing.
Signed: Archie, who has transitioned so much he has the stretch marks to prove it!

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