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Lights Out

ArchieDear Archie and Angela:

I’ll get right to the point. I’m 62 and in pretty good shape and going to finish up a successful professional career in about 3 years.

I’ve become attracted to several widows about 58 to 60 and have developed a very nice and non-sexual intimacy with each of them. Neither of them nor myself have big pushy plans to “land” a live-in partner, but things are definitely going to get there soon. I’ll have to make a choice. And I guess each of my women friends will too. Each may have other boyfriends but I doubt it.
 
It’s the sex thing that has me stumped. How can you two help me deal with these things that happen repeatedly when I’m with each of them?
 
Each talks a lot about their deceased husbands, and in the most glowing ways. I wasn’t jealous for awhile, but now? What’s the deal here?
 
When I am necking and into some kind of foreplay with each (and they begin to get hot), they freeze up and talk about lights out, under the covers and very traditional kind of roles If we actually had sex. Are we teenagers or what? (of 45 years ago).
 
Each spends a lot of time with their kids and grandkids and talks about them way too much when they’re with me.
 
It doesn’t help that each looks great and makes me feel like a King when I’m at their places. I’m not in these relations just for a quick bang, but am I just marking time here? What’s a bachelor to do? No one is demanding ‘vows” first.

Signed,
 
Lane
Jacksonville, Florida
________________

ARCHIE

Dear Lane from Florida,
 
Archie has studiously analyzed your garbage, after reading and re-reading your complaint: Wrapped into rather greasy fried chicken leftovers, at the bottom of a used container, that should just be thrown out before the ants and varmints dine. We’re talking nothing pretty, useful or nutritious here, for a self-regarded stud. And stand up straight when I talk to You!
 
I am aghast! Aghast Lane, that you, or any self-centered, preening older male should feel put upon, by two great Women who like you and whose loving involvement with others shrivels your maleness! Enough with the whining and self flagellation! It’s time for your penance.
 
Here’s Archie’s’ carefully crafted carafe’ for cuckoos like You…
 
1.  Tell your girlfriends what happens to You, when they drone on about their former partners. Try to develop some tact, that is sensitive to their memories, but also how that excess of named praise leaves you feeling. Women love Men who can share honest feelings.
 
2. Before…..anyone gets “hot” as you put it so delicately……have a frank discussion about how each of you has experienced sex in the past and now feels- about the way each may wish to display your bodies, affection, and deal with STD information, in an open and objective manner. If You can’t lead on this, then either read a book, join a drumming group, seek a friends’ advice, (as long as her name isn’t Trixie), or…… find another woman who is strong enough to bring up sexual concerns to you…… cowardly lion (w/o teeth or claws) …and
 
3. If you want a woman to only pay attention to you and your needs when you demand it, Lane……Best Bet? Go down to the local strip bar and be prepared to part with a lot of $5 dollar or $20 dollar bills for some looks and a lap dance or two. Faulting your girlfriends for loving and nurturing their families is kind of petri-dish shallow, Lane. Perhaps if you and one of these ladies make some sort of commitment to each other, then you most likely would benefit by a lot more attention and  the relationship might develop by leaps and bounds right underneath where you turn the lights out…….
 
So Lane! Archie is not quite ready to give up on you………. But I’m close!….. Oh! I hope each of your lady friends Does have several other boyfriends and it is among Them that they choose to join with….. socially, relationship-wise and sexually fulfilling, without your whining lurking about. On the other hand………… You’ve been granted a second lease on a wonderful aspect of life by Archie….. Don’t blow it!
 
Signed, Archie….. (who Does believe, (ouch, yeowie, groan), that what is good for the Gantor is also good for the Goosal! : ) ).

 

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