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Virgin Again

ArchieDear Archie and Angela:

I am a 63 year old widow, just now entering the online dating scene. Over the months, I have had many men respond to my profile, but far too many are Grizzly McGrisslys (with those “fuck it, I’m not going to shave anymore cause I’m retired” beards), or Huff and Puff athletic types who expect me to climb, swim, golf, run, ski, hike all before noon; or Bad Ass Bikers, who are happy just having something vibrating between their legs. Here is my dilemma. I have met a man who may be the one – not a soul mate or true love, or anything so eternal. He may be the one who will help me break my 13 year dry spell.

Did you ever think that the last time you had sex would be THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX? Of course not; neither did I . . . but here I am, over 13 years later with a desire that simply must be met. I am ready to exchange my vibrators and sex toys for the real thing.

I have done my homework and stockpiled the appropriate lotions and potions. I will be visiting my local medicine man to help me in the pharmaceutical department, though men still have it easy . . . just pop that damn little blue pill, and presto, their bodies are ready for what the brain, hands, lips and many other body parts have signaled.

This particular man has demonstrated sweet attentiveness. He has responded to my desire to be playful. How do I know if he will have the patience to reinitiate this revirgin? Everyone tells me it’s just like riding a bike . . . just get back on and ride! I somehow think it is not quite that, and fear that once we are “there, ” the “it” won’t be there, and the “it” will not be what I remember. I don’t think I paid that close attention the last time I had sex. I intend on paying very close attention this time, and am sure that it will not be THE LAST TIME.

Merry McVirgin,

Virginia
____________

ARCHIE

Dear Merry McVirgin from Virginia, (MMV)……..(did I spell that right?);

Archie is quite befuddled! You pose a “dilemma” and then add several more. Let me lay out and massage a few of the areas you are concerned with ….. (English Teachers: take no note at this stage, of anything dangling).

1. Will the unsuspecting Male who has met your covert, online dating criteria, and appears to have been designated as your “SAP” to play the single, “non-soulmate” role of re-initiating the re-virgin as you put it so succinctly – truly have the patience for your bicycling memory to return? The “SAP” or, Sweet, Attentive, and Playful dispositions you see in him, may not guarantee you that the Male has the patience while you are trying to remember how to get up onto the saddle and put out ….. the energy for a compelling ride!

2.  It is also a heart-tug-er, to use the over-worn phrase MMV, to read that your desired sex act may not be great or what you should be remembering “it” used to be like …… and,

3. You are “ready” with lotions, potions, toys, and pharmacological assistance to prepare your sex for your part, and have an up-front, and totally innocent Male who has been recruited as a “Temporary Sex Bridge” to uhhhhh, work on your agenda vigorously. (Archie’s modesty forbids him to use Adult and graphic language here ….. but you get my drift).

The crux or core of the matter, (but alarmingly not with heart), if you will, dear MMV is: Whether or not you will be patient with yourself? and, Will the Male, recruited for such a low-level and temporary re-initiating task, stay the …..ahhh…. course until you are satisfied with new riding credentials that have been stamped for all appropriate attitudes, altitudes and skill levels?

Archie can sum your “dilemmas” and their solutions up in just a few words: (quite unusual for him), be honest with the SAP, even after the fact of being with you in the flesh, but before you manipulate his sensibilities any further, about his role and your pressing ….so to speak …..needs. Males are due that

respect even in your barnyard approach to finding solutions, MMV. And! who knows? : )  Your SAP may turn out to be quite more than you ever suspected while you look forward and invent new bike riding skills, rather than tax your memory in a rear-view mirror mentality of replication (this is legal in 17 states so far). Good luck, Lady! You may also have chosen a huge winner!-however you wish to look at that accolade.

Signed,

Archie, (who consistently finds our human condition in sexual matters, poignant, painful, but productive with patience!)

 

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